“Oh, Ma!! I had the most terrible dream!” whimpered the little jackal as he scurried to his mother. He fought back tears as he nestled into his mother’s bosom.
“You’re alright, sweetheart. Tell me about your dream,” replied his mother as she gently licked the fur on his head.
“Oh, Ma. It was terrible. I dreamed that all of the animals were cruel to me just because I wanted a drink of water!” cried the little jackal.
“It’s OK, honey. It wasn’t real. Tell me all that you remember about this dream so that you can get it all out of your head and go back to sleep,” soothed his mother.
“OK, well, here’s what happened. I was all grown up and living around a whole bunch of other animals. Animals of all kinds, Ma! There were giraffes, and rabbits, and tortoises! One day, they all decided that they were so thirsty that they needed to dig a well for more water. Well, they asked me to help, but I’m so small and young that I didn’t think I would do much good helping them! They all saw me as this strong adult jackal, and I tried to explain to them that I’m just a little kid, but they didn’t believe me!"
"I think that’s why they all started being super mean to me, Ma. They dug their well and everything, but they wouldn’t let me drink from it! I remember feeling super duper thirsty in my dream, like I was thirsty in real life! It was crazy! So I thought maybe I could offer them something in return for their water.
"After they had dug their well, they had a rabbit hang out by the well, and I think it was because they didn’t want me drinking their water. Well, I went up to him and offered him some honeycomb, but I was afraid he might hit me because he had a big, scary staff, so I asked him to tie his paws behind his back, you know, just in case. Well, he did it, and I was so excited about the water that I ran up and drank and ran away before he could catch me! It was only then that I realized that I hadn’t offered him any of the honeycomb!"
"The next day, I decided to go back and give him some because I felt really bad, Ma. You always taught me to share, and that’s what I was trying to do! When I went back, I saw that there was a hare there instead of the rabbit! Then I started feeling really thirsty again."
"So I tried to offer the hare some honeycomb, but he had two giant clubs right beside him, which really scared me. It was like something out of the horror stories Dad always tells us. So I asked him to tie his paws behind his back so I wouldn’t be so scared, and then I would feed him the honeycomb. Well, he did it and I was so excited that I drank some water and ran off before I could give HIM some honeycomb! Oh, I felt rotten, Ma. I just kept forgetting! I know you get onto me for being forgetful, and I’m trying really hard to be better."
"I decided that I would go back again the next day to try to give everyone some of my honeycomb, but that day they had the tortoise standing by the well. I greeted him just like I did all of the others, because you’ve always told me that being nice to animals is the right thing to do, but he just ignored me! It was so rude! So then I did something mean. I was getting really thirsty again, and the tortoise was just standing there being a bully, so I just kicked him over and got my drink!"
"Then came the scariest part, Ma. Oh, it was so scary it made me want to cry! I had barely had any water when I felt something latch onto my leg. It was the tortoise!!! He was biting my leg, Ma!! I told him I would give him the honeycomb and everything else I had on me, but he wouldn’t let go! Then all the other animals came and started making fun of me. I finally got my leg free and ran far away! That’s also when I woke up.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry!” Ma said. “That does sound like a terrible dream, but you know that we jackals pride ourselves on being honest and polite, so that was just a nightmare, OK? Don’t worry about anything. If we ever have to help our fellow animals dig a well, we will dig the most and be the nicest and most helpful animals there! I love you, honey. Go back to sleep.”
With that, the little jackal curled up next to his mother and drifted off, dreaming of more pleasant things.
Author's Note: This week, I read the African Stories (Lang) unit, and one of my favorite stories was Jackal and Spring. In the original, all of the animals decide to combat a drought and dig a well, but the jackal offers no help. To get back at him, they decide not to let him drink any of their water and ask animals to stand guard by their well. The jackal outwits the rabbit and the hare by offering them honeycomb, but in the end, the tortoise gets the better of the jackal and bites him on the leg, successfully guarding the well. I chose to make that story a nightmare for a young jackal because I know that when I was little, I always loved coming to my ma and telling her about my bad dreams so that she could hug me and tell me that it was all OK.
The Crimson Fairy Book by Andrew Lang, illustrated by H. J. Ford (1903)
Web source: UN-Textbook
What a cute story. I love how you turned it around from the original by making it a bad dream for a little jackal instead of reality for an adult jackal. I like how you used dialogue to tell the whole story because it added some personality while still communicating the story very clearly. The only thing I would say is to add opening quotation marks for each new paragraph of the little jackal’s dialogue. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI've never been able to use dialogue with much success, but you do it quite well here! My quick suggestion is that you use another quotation mark at the beginning of each new paragraph. Oh, I just read Brianne's comment above, and it looks like she commented on it, too. That being said, it doesn't detract from the content of your story, which I found quite interesting. Stories from the point of view of animals can be tough sometimes, but you did a very good job here, and I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteGood job! I really enjoyed reading your story. I thought the dialogue was great and effectively showed the relationship between the characters. You did a great job of playing each character and it really felt as if a child was telling a story to their mother. I didn't have any trouble with the quotations so I am assuming you corrected whatever may have been there.
ReplyDeleteHi Tatyana! What cute little jackals these are. The photo you've included seems to match the young jackal from the story very well, so nice job connecting those two so coherently.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the story goes, I thought that the narration via dialogue was interesting. It certainly made for a fast-paced and easily comprehensible story, which was nice. I liked how you had the tiny jackal saying "Ma" to call his mother's attention.
However, one thing you might consider could be to use a bit more narration to develop the characters more fully. It seemed strange that there was so little "normal" narration, and left me wondering: What do the jackals look like? How do they sound? Where do they live, exactly, and what does their environment entail?
Sometimes the questions above are hard to answer through dialogue alone. Despite this, I think you've got the dialogue down and now only need to incorporate a bit more narration.
Nice job!
I've already commented on your introduction, so I'm just going to read another one of your stories. I love that you opened in on the height of the action. To me, that grabs the attention of the reader from the very beginning. Great job! I thought it was interesting that you chose to have all dialogue and very little third person description. I thought that was a really cool choice.
ReplyDeleteHey Tatyana!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! I liked how you changed the story into a nightmare the young jackal experiences. It made it more intriguing. When the young jackal woke up in fear and tears, I had to know what the nightmare was about. Listening to the young jackal tell his mother about his nightmare, I could not help but notice that it did not sound like a nightmare until the very end. This gradual built up to the ending increased my curiosity so stylistically this story was really good.
I did not really notice any punctuation or grammatical errors while I was reading your story. Everything was organized very well. The breaks into paragraphs made sense. The picture you selected fit very well with you story. It really depicts the relationship between the young jackal and his mother. It illustrates the love and caring relationship between the two jackals.
I really liked your story! It has some real charm to it, in-no-small-part due to it being about a cute little jackal with a nightmare. I have to say, your writing style is very simple and very digestible for the reader, which is really nice! It makes it easier for the reader to grasp the concepts in the stories well. You did a good job of showing, not telling, the audience about the story, which is essential for good storytelling.
ReplyDeleteI will say that there are two major weaknesses with your writing style in this piece though: 1) not enough writing in the active voice, and 2) not enough non-narrative information to keep me focused on what was going outside of the little Jackal's story. Regarding the first issue, you should look at a few websites that show how to write in active voice, and Dr. Gibbs is extremely well versed in giving advice and resources on that as well. Regarding the second issue, I would say that this story needs a few breaks from the Jackal's story and invest more time in the present world. If you really don't want to reformat it this way, then I recommend taking away the quotation marks: you don't have to put quotation marks on a block quote, at least until the end of the quote (or in this case, the story).
I really enjoyed reading your story. I liked the personality you gave the little jackal and you managed to keep his personality throughout the entire story. This was a great touch to your story. I also like the detail you put into the dream. He explains the dream to his mother with so much imagery. Your writing style was great and the entire thing flowed very smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was entertaining that the jackal keeps telling his mother about the story, but she seems uninterested because it was only a dream. She gives him the whole, "eh, just go back to sleep" routine. That was a funny addition to your story. Overall, great job!